The Mindful Tourist Celebrates the Fourth of July
Happy Independence Day, suckahs!
Here is our planned schedule for how to celebrate the fourth in a fun yet socially conscious way:
Location: Beach in the Mid-Atlantic U.S.
7am – Get woken up by douchebags who decide a good time to practice setting off the night’s fireworks is before anyone has had their morning fair trade espresso.
7:15am – Go back to sleep.
9am – Stumble out of bed, scratch bed bug bites from rental house mattress, but feel content that we’re not pouring money into overpriced, fancy, amenities-laden, internationally-owned hotel down the street. With a pool. And tennis courts. And air-conditioning.
9:30am – Salt-water taffy for breakfast. Don’t judge.
10am – Ride bikes to beach.
10:15am – Curse the fact that seemingly all families with five or more kids who live within a 300 mile radius have now descended upon this particular small stretch of sand. They have also brought their cell phones on which they loudly direct all their friends to where they’ve laid out their massive towels and ask them to join them. “No, I have on a red, white, and blue t-shirt – and I’m next to the fat person.” Helpful.
10:30am – Take a dip in the ocean and try to remember this moment in case the next time we see it, it’s oil-laden. Moment of silence for the Gulf. Moment of rage for BP.
11:30am – Air is too hot and water is too cold – back to the house. Do one of two things:
- Watch a repeat of yesterday’s World Cup match in which Argentina hands Germany their culo on a plate. (Yes, we called it – take that, Europe.) Bollocks!
- Watch Hot Tub Time Machine in which we feel like a smugly superior insider when the background guy on the phone walking by Adam says “I want my two dollars,” when realistically, everyone and their mother gets it.
1:30pm - Go to Assateague Island, hike around a bit, get bitten by monster mosquitos, and see some wild ponies.
3:30pm – Roll eyes as we hear for the third time today, “Mom, does Canada have a fourth of July?”
4pm – Check out and do one of many activities promoted by Delmarva Low-Impact Tourism Experiences – sea kayaking, bird-watching, or going to a local art gallery, perhaps.
7pm – Spread out newspaper on a picnic table, dump a half bushel of blue crabs on it, and start picking away. Eat some silver queen corn and wash it down with Dogfish Head locally brewed beer.
8:45pm – See fireworks at boardwalk – get skeeved out by so many sweaty people (“People, what a bunch of bastards”) but think it’s worth it just the same.
11pm – Try to sleep while same and more douchebags light off more fireworks. Ambulance sirens ensue. Drift off to sleep with smiles on faces.
Happy De-Colonization Day, friends. May your travels and celebrations be as laid back and fun as ours promise to be.